You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
