I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
