so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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