im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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