Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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