anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
