When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
