I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
