Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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