just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
