I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
