My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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