first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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