The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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