So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
