I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
