you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
