Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
