god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
