I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
