Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I wear drunk well.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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