you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
