where am i from again
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
