i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
