i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
