I heard we made out
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
