Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
