Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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