Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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