I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
