So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
What drink are we having for lunch?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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