I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
