I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
