Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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