my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
