i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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