Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
