her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
