wakey wakey hands off snakey
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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