I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
