I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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