drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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