and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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