What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
