she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just want to make out with him forever
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?