I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart