Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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