ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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