i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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