The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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