New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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