i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
