omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
