Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
