T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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