Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
