Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
