Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
