I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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