Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
