i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
