He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
