I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
