I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This toilet bowl is my home.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
