The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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